Driving the narrow curvy roads of the Tobago rain forest last week, I happened upon a peculiar site, a naturalist colony. Apparently, unbenounced to me but nounced to everyone else, naturalist is synonymous with nudist. Now don’t get the wrong idea, I just saw the colony in passing and did not stop to dawn my birthday suit for the afternoon. Now I like naked women as much as the next guy, so it may come as a surprise to you that I do not support the activities of nudists. Let me tell you why.

Everyone has a friend like my boy Danny. He is a bear of a man who once told me, “If she doesn’t like hairy men, then she doesn’t like me” which was followed by about 30 seconds of his infectious laughter. This is a man who was sporting a beard before he could walk. Sometimes after a few too many beers he gets mistaken for the missing evolutionary link. Now imagine a man like Danny, naked, cooking dinner. Is that something that you would really want to eat. Every dish would he garnished with man fur. It’s just not hygienic. Now I know what the Niffer would say, but Jamie Oliver isn’t actually naked on his show, so don’t try to fool me. Heck, I wouldn’t eat food that Giada De Laurentiis cooked in the buff (well….maybe). Because of my aversion to this sort of unhygienic behavior, I would quickly starve in a nudist colony.

There is this director that makes movies with big twists. Without the twists though, the movies would be run of the mill garbage. Now I’m not going to name names, but M. Night Shyamalan doesn’t actually know how to write a compelling story. The only thing that brings in his viewers is the mystery of “What stupid twist is he going to give us this time”? Spoiler alert, Bruce Willis is dead and the village takes place in the preset. Now go sit through a shitty movie. The same holds with women. I don’t want to meet a woman when she is naked. That takes out all of the fun. There is a certain satisfaction associated with cracking the walnut shell and exposing the nugget within, so to speak. Nudists just don’t get that. They aren’t faced with the challenge of getting that top off. They don’t understand that seduction isn’t about the destination, it’s about the journey. And no journey is worthwhile if it is easy. I would be bored to tears, like a bouncer at a strip club, or a gynecologist. Plus, as with gynecology, there are some things that I simply do not want to see! I’m certain that my buddy Joe (aka Dr. Sexy) would back me up on this point. Which brings me to my next point; humans are filthy creatures.

When I was in college I had a ski accident that left me unable to walk unaided for several months. During that time I had to shower while sittig on a plastic stool. While the stool was clean since it was washed by a shower every morning, my roommate insisted that it was disgusting. Now imagine if I had just sat on that stool naked outside of the shower everyday. It would have become a petri dish for fecal calorform; a cesspool of filth and disease. I fail to believe that nudists stand all day long. They have to be siting on some sort of furtniture and I highly doubt that it gets thrown into a shower everyday. I imagine that a nudist colony has to smell like the porto-pottys at Woodstock. That or they buy Febreeze by the pallet at Costco. Either way, I want nothing to do with a chair that has been formerly occupied by a naked bum. Call me crazy.