What’s Jaouen Jonesing For?

HIGHLANDS RANCH – Local keg tossing sensation and Lego enthusiast Danny Holland coined his first new term early Saturday morning. The term, which was invented on the 5000 block of Diana street just after 3 am, was used to describe a meatheaded new method for removing unwanted individuals from a house. “I’m really proud,it’s the first time that I have invented a word that people truly appreciated.” The new term was originally dropped by Danny Holland shortly after 86ing a low life from a party. “I was searching for a way to adequately describe the move that I had just performed when I realized that the English language simply wasn’t up to the task. I had to come up with something,” explained a very hungover Holland in a phone interview. “I laughed when I heard it, it was really clever. The only problem was that by laughing, I opened the door to hearing the term a further 20 times that morning,” witness Brandon Mutari commented. “I was rolling on the floor when I heard it first, but after he continued to use the term in every sentence, it lost a lot of shock value and cleverness. I remember doing the same thing when I coined my first term. It’s a beginner mistake.” Holland admitted to having over used the term stating, “Give me a break, I got excited. The key now is to learn from my mistakes and move forward.”

DENVER – Wednesday night marked the opening of the Mahatma Gandhi Center for Anorexia and Tooth Decay. A who’s who of the Denver metro area were present for the gala dinner party. Area legends John Elway, Jake Jab, and Dealin’ Doug were all in attendance. The star studded event was held for the ceremonial opening of the MG Center, a center intended to help young bulimic women overcome bulimia and tooth decay. “This is the last meal that will ever be eaten here,” joked MG Center co-founder Jeny Sills. “Our goal here is to teach young women how to keep the weight off without the constant vomiting. So much vomiting really takes a toll on the teeth!” Asked about the name of the facility, co-founder Lindsey Bauhofer commented, “We like to look at Gandhi as a visionary. While hunger strikes rarely work, I think that young bulimic women can learn a lot from Gandhi. His diet is much better for young women, and society, than bingeing and purging. Bingeing is a waste of food, it uses up resources, and it has a big impact on the environment. Gandhi can teach all young bulimics that there is an alternative. By meditating, and taking on the courage and passion of Gandhi, young women can completely overcome their need for food.” The night’s keynote was delivered by a slightly intoxicated John Elway, “As the provider, I too know the plight of tooth decay. I know, I know, but believe it or not, I eat just like the rest of you. If you watch my highlight reel, which you really should, you will notice that my teeth are extremely yellow. I have been battling problems with my teeth all of my life. I can’t tell you the relief that I get from a facility of this kind opening in my home town. “ Later a drunken Elway stumbled into gala attendee Grady Murphy, spilling both men’s drinks and leading to a heated argument. The scene took a turn for the worse when one of Jake Jab’s white tigers got splashed by champaign during the exchange. Both men were taken to the University Hospital where they were treated for minor animal related wounds. At the conclusion of the evening, miss Bauhofer commented, “Even with the…incident, the night was a complete success. I’m just so excited to get to work helping young women sculpt better bodies!”