What’s Jaouen Jonesing For?

Local Theoretical Physics Buff

YOSEMITE – Sunday 12, 2009 – Local gamer, theoretical physics buff and paraphilia expert, Nicholas Jaouen was recently found in an uncomfortable situation with the biggest tree in the forest.  “I told him she was a huge bitch,” recalls area gawker Tuyen Tran.  “But he just walked up to that hussy of a tree and started hugging her.  Even though he was a total stranger, she didn’t even resist!  Imagine a tree with that sort of nerve.  But I have to give it to him, he wasn’t going for the low hanging fruit.”  Jaouen had been hiking in Yosemite National Park over the July 11th weekend when he encountered the tree.  “She was magnificent.  Like nothing I had ever seen before.  I couldn’t help myself, and I don’t think it was too bad for her either,” recalls Jaouen in an exclusive interview with TheJaouen.com.  “Admittedly though, she is a little bit high maintenance.”  As a dendrophiliac, Jaouen has reportedly conquered all of the Rocky Mountain locals.  “I’ve tried lodge poles, aspens, furs, and spruces, but they aren’t even in the same league is Yosemite’s giant beauties.” But not everyone is happy for Jaouen’s new found love.  “He used to be all mine,” jealous Steamboat Springs native Aspen Populus remarked on the event.  “We had something special!  Now look at him, going on with oldest tree he can find.  She is 3000 years old, what a cougar!  She isn’t even as cute as me, look at her waistline, it’s like 100 feet.  At least he could get his arms around me.  Oh, and she lives in a national forest, so she is all about protection.  I don’t care about protection.”  Jaouen wouldn’t comment on his estranged ex-lover’s remarks, but had this to add,  “It may be sappy, but I just love Giant Sequoias.”

Local Physics Enthusiast

DENVER – At 9:43 PM on Wednesday, local gamer and theoretical physics enthusiast Nick Jaouen stunned lower downtown with what he described as a ‘revolutionary’ particle physics joke. “He [Jaouen] just walked up to the cutest woman at the bar and delivered it. I was really impressed, his delivery was flawless,” recalls local bar fly Joe Peetz. “After he finished, the woman seemed to stare blankly at him, then turned away and began awkwardly messing with her phone. She was ice cold. I really felt for the guy. I mean, come on, who doesn’t like jokes about Fermions?” In a Thursday morning phone interview, joke recipient and physics PhD student Harmony Minors admitted that while Nick seemed to be a nice guy, his joke definitely turned her off. “Look, jokes about strange and charm quarks are just too easy. I mean, look at their names, who calls something a strange quark without expecting a couple jokes. If he really wanted to pick me up, he should have tried something with top and bottom quarks. Or he could have talked about large hadron collisions. I would have settled for a measly joke about bosons, if he delivered it forcefully.” Those close to Mr. Jaouen tell us that the failure of his joke really demoralized him. “He was different after that. He had sort of a thousand mile stare. I think he was really demoralized by the entire episode. Honestly, I wasn’t surprised when he stood up, chugged his beer and left the bar without tipping,” commented Mr. Jaouen’s wingman, Danny Holland. “He’s usually a really upbeat guy. He was so excited when we went to the bar. He said he had new material, and that it was gold. You just hate to see something like this happen.”