What’s Jaouen Jonesing For?

It will always be the case that that which we do not know is far greater than that which we do. I love a good mystery. Whether it is a mystery about who ate my lunch, or why any woman would ever fall for Mike Holland, it doesn’t matter to me, I just like the unknown. Recently, the Hubble space telescope witnessed an event. It was a mysterious flash of light lasting about 100 days. There was nothing, then there was something, then there was nothing again. The flash of light had a completely unknown spectrum, ruling out a supernova. According to one researcher from CERN, the object looked similar to “the flash that an Imperial Star Destroyer does when reaching warp 10.” I disagree though because imperial star destroyer flashes look more like plaid. The object’s distance is even a mystery. Estimates put it anywhere between 39.87 million and 3.37 billion parsecs from Earth. With the Universe only spanning roughly 93 billion light years, or 27.6 billion parsecs (current estimate), that gives us a margin of error roughly 10 percent the size of the universe (and yes, I worked the unit parsec into this post. Deal with it!). That’s like me saying that my brother’s loft is somewhere between my house and New York City. Stranger still, the object was observed in the space between galaxies. Apparently, there is something out there, and it can react extremely violently. I would like to think that it was an alien species turning on their own Large Hadron Collider. It could also be a space ship exploding, like the death star, but bigger. We may never know what the object was and why it created a burst of light lasting 100 days, but at least we have a good mystery.

Update: THere is a new mystery…why wouldn’t the picture for this post work correctly?  It has been removed because it was problematic.

Good friends are hard to find. Anyone that says that good friends are easy to find, has lots of friends that suck. In the coming weeks, a close friend of mine will be heading to Africa as an aid worker for the Peace Corps. Mike is the kind of person that isn’t sent places, he is unleashed. Now, he is being unleashed on the unsuspecting continent of Africa. Not since Rommel, the desert fox, has Africa had so much to worry about. Mike is no ordinary man. In the short time that I lived with him, Mike distinguished himself as a gentleman and a scholar. Although most of Mike’s friends couldn’t spell the word achievement, Mike managed to graduate with honors from CU. Mike’s real genius though, lies outside the bounds of academia. He is a true master of the snowboard, and the mojo. While I lived with him, I witnessed Mike bring home a new woman at least once a week. The kid was an incredible machine, able to slay the ladies with his drunken idiocy in a way that I had never before seen, and haven’t seen since. Mike’s other passion, snowboarding, is where I watched him achieve the most. Before living with Mike, I had heard stories of a young man who grew up deep in the forests beyond Rabbit Ears Pass. The stories described a man who possessed the courage, and stupidity (depending on your perspective), of 10 men. The stories were true. When I met the man, I was not overly impressed. He was an obnoxious kid who didn’t shut up for a single second during the ride to the mountain. When we finally got onto the mountain, he was amazing. He and I had some of the best experiences on the ski mountain that I have ever had. I watched him straight-line into the dragon’s teeth at Vail from a cat track 100 yards above; a very ballsy move. Best of all, after tripling or even quadrupling the size of the drop with his speed, he stuck that landing clean and rode it out like a conquering hero. Another time I stood at the edge of the highest cliff I have dropped in my life. As I stared down, preparing myself for the disaster that would inevitably follow my landing, I saw Mike charge into the cliff and throw and enormous front flip. He landed on his back with his head facing down the mountain. Seconds later, he was on his feet laughing and egging me on to jump. Mike distinguished himself in the terrain parks too. He would ride into the biggest jumps on the mountain and just huck. He wouldn’t necessarily have a plan in the air, more of a mission statement. The mission: Look badass while doing as many off axis spins as possible. Somehow, he managed to achieve his mission and land (nearly) every time he tried. Mike now prepares for 27 months of celibacy in Cameroon. In the coming weeks he will be departing on the journey of a lifetime. God Speed Mike, return safely, and without any VD.