What’s Jaouen Jonesing For?

In the far northern reaches of a lifeless desert, a visitor has just arrived. This visitor is inquisitive, seeking to uncover the ancient history of Mars. When Phoenix arrived at Mars last weekend, it slammed into the Martian atmosphere at 13,000 miles per hour and was subsequently slowed to 5 miles per hour in under 7 minutes. High overhead, the Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter, a glorified spy satellite, began snapping pictures and relaying them to Earth. On the surface, the Lander has begun its three month long task to find water in the frozen north pole of the red planet. The process is going to be slow, as the Lander takes extremely small samples of the Martian surface, digging only centimeters into the surface at a time. The turn around on taking a sample and analyzing it is slower than a snails pace, taking almost 15 days per cycle. In the end, we will have a better understanding of the composition of Mars and we will better understand the role of liquid water in Mar’s history? Why is this important? Water is the fundamental basis for all living organisms on Earth. If Mars was once covered in liquid water, then microbial life may have once lived there.

Already there has been a small setback as the Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter’s radio has had a malfunction and cannot currently communicate with the Phoenix. This delay is expected to be repaired in hours though and is not a threat to the mission. Since it landed, Phoenix has been sending pictures back to NASA. NASA has been using a strategy of corporate transparency with this mission, so you can find all of the pictures at NASA.gov. You can also find a repository of pictures on Wikipedia. The pictures may not seem all that impressive unless you think, “These pictures are from another planet!”

Indiana Jones is a story that inspired a generation of children to see adventure in the ruins and antiquities of times past. The original three movies are classic masterpieces of adventure, filled with fun jokes and cool special effects. There is little doubt though that the newest movie in the franchise is an amazing disappointment. From the start of the first scene, the movie is set up to be a spectacular failure. After leaving Indiana Jones last night I thought to myself, “I could have been at home watching paint dry…at least that would have made some sense.” The entire movie is a string of impossible events with almost no cohesive bond to keep them moving. I can understand surviving a thermonuclear blast by hiding in a refrigerator, but aliens? This is another case of a simple concept that I have understood since the last batch of Star Wars movies came out; don’t let George Lucas write your script. George Lucas’ idea of writing is a combination of horribly cliché dialog mixed with strings of action events whos order is decided by random chance and not a grand design. Its not like the script matters much, it has to be performed by an all-star cast who seem to have forgotten how to act. Harrison Ford is getting so old that it wouldn’t surprise me to hear that the movie studio doubles as a geriatrics facility. Shia LaBeouf gives an excellent performance as Jones’s annoying son, if by excellent you mean shitty. His lackluster performance is punctuated by the horrible direction of this Spielberg train wreck. If you haven’t seen it yet, do yourself a favor, paint a wall and watch it dry…trust me, you will enjoy the experience more. With absolutely no redeeming value, I give Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull 1 crappy crystal skull out of 5.

All you need to make it to number one is a viral video. Viral videos make everyone happy and more interested in what you have to offer. Viral videos create the buzz that make people go to google and type in a phrase to try to get to your site. Viral videos create that #1 page rank on google. So get to work, make a video that gets that buzz going where you can bring up in casual conversation, “Did you see that little gay kid on youtube?”. (reference here) For some inspiration here is Weezer’s new video, Pork and Beans.

People, lets be realistic here. The only reason I started this site was make my name the top search result for the word Jaouen on Google. I’m pleased to report that I have accomplished my goal…sort of. Before I was Jonesing, Google search results for Jaouen included a ton of French websites (I’m sure they are all rude too), a website with plastic surgeon listings in the Casper WY area, and the website of an artist named Deborah Jaouen (no relation to the Deborah Jaouen in Glenwood). After a couple pages you could also find some things about my aunt Pauline and uncle Steve (a CSU professor). After I started my blog, I was deeply concerned that my site appeared on the third page of the Google search results. Google cut me deep, real deep. But, it seems that time heals all wounds. I am pleased to tell you that the overwhelming popularity of “What’s Jaouen Jonesing For?” has outshined all other search results. Currently, this site is sitting pretty in the number 2 position on Google. I know what you are thinking, “But Jaouen, you are number 2, you still suck,” I am willing to sit in second place, because the top search result, which only recently achieved its status as number 1, is worthy of its position! There is only one thing left to say, “Suck it Jaouens, I’m number 2 AND number 1.”

UPDATE:  Some chinese social networking site has pushed this site down to #4.  I’m not concerned though; I am confident I can retake the top spots.  Expect shameless plugs for big news items and high value terms. Myanmar, Obama, Clinton, Windsor, Election, Electric Car, Peetz.

As I look for my own creative outlet, I bring to you the not so creative idea for an article…


Steez is Steezin for Steez

I am straight steezing for more steez. Simple as that sounds, steez is really lacking these days. There seems to be no place to turn to get my fix of steezyness. Not on the radio, not on the tv, and not even on the internet. All I get is the same songs, same shows, and same links all lacking that steeztastic feel that I need in my life. This is just not very steezy. Lets take a look at some not so steezin examples.

The Urban Dictionary defines “steez” as style with ease.

This is an example of style, but that is not with ease.

The problem with this definition is that both words can carry a large bias with them. Style varies greatly in person to person, place to place, and age to age. Judging the difficulty of that style varies even more. A broader definition of “steez” once again from the urban dictionary brings some other aspects to the word. While I exercise my steezcreativity (shouldn’t it be steezivity) to try and figure out where the steez comes from I find that steez is more opinion based than anything else. So to get my steezerific dose of steez I just have be more steezy.

In the never ending quest to become more macho, I am Jonesin’ for power tools. In pursuit of said quest, I have come to the conclusion that I must have a tabletop Mill. Now, I know what your are thinking, “Metal working equipment, really Jaouen? Awesome.” Besides making me significantly more masculine (45%, guaranteed), the mill is great for building inventions! Whether its building another doomsday device “just in case”, or building a horrible, Mutari hunting, robot, the mill comes in handy. One major hurdle remains however; funding. A decent personal mill runs for about a grand, so I may have to just settle on Jonesing.

Everyone has seen them in movies and games, a sinister looking big red button that obviously activates something impressive. Who knows what pressing the button will do. The button could activate your doomsday device (don’t you have one too? Mine just makes babies cry, relentlessly for hours, then makes blue whales fall from the sky like rain.) or just start an alarm. Big red buttons fill us with a sense of intrigue and wonder. Surprisingly, few people have access to big red buttons in their daily lives. This guy, http://plasma2002.com/epb/, decided that it was time for a change. His big red button, positioned strategically on a living room table, converts his house into the ultimate dance party in a pinch. Pressing the button sets off a chain of events that lead to the ultimate “lets party atmosphere” in seconds, complete with fog machine and black lights. Now, doesn’t your house seem boring?

What would you do with your big red button? Tell us by leaving a comment below.

Bruce Lee vs Chuck Norris   <——-    this video is awesome

As we age through our 20′s, we all find ourselves busier as the days go by.  At least most of us.  If you are not busy, there are two possible scenarios. 1) You are not doing shit with your life, and if so…get your shit together.  Or, 2) You have a better life than I do, and you must be having a good time.  If that is true, Go Fuck Yourself.  The point is, as we all get busier, it is the finer things that allow us to relax and enjoy life when we are most stressed.  For me, I find great comfort in the world of sports.  As you all likely are aware, I live and die with Colorado sports, except for those butt pirates down in Ft. Collins.  CSU can suck a goat’s nuts.  So I write these words in deep despair and emotional paralysis over the current state of Colorado sports.  This week, we as Colorado sports fans have suffered one of our worst periods in recent memory.  For those of you keeping score at home, here’s the tally:  First, the Nuggets lost AGAIN in the first round of the playoffs, even after a 50-win season.  We didn’t just lose, we got swept.  And who did we lose to?  Kobe and the Rape-ettes.  God I hate that guy.  In the words of my father, “I fucking hate Kobe.”  Next, the Avs lost in the second round.  Once again, we didn’t just lose, we got swept.  And I believe that is 9 STRAIGHT LOSSES in the 2nd round of the playoffs for the Avs.  And of course we lost to those fucking communists from Detroit.  And not just 1-0.  The last game was an 8-2 beatdown.  Two sweeps in one week.  That’s like meeting a beautiful woman at the bar, going home with her, and getting cock-blocked by her bitch of a roommate.  You don’t get another chance until next season, and all you can do is be pissed off about your monumental letdown.  Don’t give me that, “You made the playoffs so be happy” bullshit.  Anyone who says that has never had a team make the playoffs.  And then, the week gets worse when we find out that Troy Tulowitzki has torn a tendon in his quad that will keep him out until after the All-Star break.  FUCK!  And the final blow comes when the news breaks that Jay Cutler has been diagnosed with Diabetes.  Come on, after a while this shit just starts to be cruel.  I wanna know, who is responsible for all this?  Who is to blame for all that we have been forced to accept?  Personally I think it’s that damn Jay Feder.  I don’t know how, but somehow part of this has to be his fault.   So I write these words, clearly in a state of frustration, and general anger.  Whoever is to blame for all of this, I feel obligated as a member of Colorado sportsnation to inform you of what must be done.  For causing the Sportsfans of Colorado so much anguish, you need to get what you have coming to you.  Line up, so I can kick you in the balls.  I can’t take much more of this, and I need to inflict suffering on something.  Who’s with me?